Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.

   It's important to have goals in life. When you want to get something accomplished, the majority of your energy should be focused on accomplishing that goal. That's why everything I do is about trying to get laid.

   I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.

   My Dr told me I might have that new Chinese disease...Its called Dragon Ass

   The problem with all these Ivy League MBAs is they have learned to treat consumers as statisics and forgotten how to treat customers as people.

   The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"

   Now that people are posting what Organ donors they are on FB, I am going to friend all the Liver Donors..- Good to keep drinking:)

   "It's suddenly hot in here!" "Sorry, Should I leave?!"

   I'm moving to Antarctica, where there's no bullsh!t. Just penguins.

   "I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that bad?" ''You spelled dad wrong."

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   The stuff you do while you're procrastinating is what you should be doing for the rest of your life.

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm

   When god created china he knew he would never have to make anything else again.....

   Roses are red; foxes are clever. I love your butt; let me touch it forever.

   My drug dealer cracks me up.

   Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is, "What should Justin Bieber's next career move be?"

   To the guy next to me at the rest-area urinal...The fact that you still have your sunglasses on kinda creeps me out.

   throwing fertilizer at people who need to grow up

   Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.