Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watched my first anal porn scene the other day... Wow, I just can't get over how skinny I looked back then !!

   In-laws - Can't stand them, can't kill them, can't get rid of them. . .

   Kentucky knows three things better then anyone else. Horses, Basketball, and Fried Chicken.

   Can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   I can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   Hey Jack In The Crack...I ordered an Ulitimate Burger not an Ultimate Mustard!

   Fat girls be sounding good on the phone ....

   Had to fix something on my car and asked my mom to bring me the philips. She came back in less that 4 minutes with some Philips Milk of Magnesia. Some serious confusion has set in

   Can't wait for the Super Moon tonight, I wonder what color it's cape is?

   I just bought my daughter an iPad, my son an iPod, myself an iPhone...and the wife an iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wip

   I forgot what cinco de mayo was about. It was when a ship full of mayonnaise sunk off the mexican coast right?

   I always though a "Super Moon" was a regular moon but with a little nut sack showing.

   Sometimes we must destroy something in order to rebuild it stronger, which is why drinking and liver regeneration are part of my regime.

   Free the mind and the ass will follow

   ME: Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘)

   Dude, you was that drunk..... When I asked you what happened to the bottle of Tequila you said...."I plead the Cinco de Mayo"

   May the fifth be with you? Tequila!

   It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

   If you haven't celebrated Cinco de Mayo with a sink full of Mayo while each person bobbs for Mexican midgets than you are doing it wrong.

   I'd like to title myself as self unemployed ...