Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

   As I slid my finger down her g-string I thought to myself..... what a nice guitar.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with

   "I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

   just wondering why they have a box to put your name in when you can just put someone else's name

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   I am not really sure I can trust panda express. They say they have talking, emoting pandas that eat meat....sounds too good too be true

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

   I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.

   there someone making $ off of all this "Liking" on FB?

   If the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

   My children have turned me into a Serial Liar...

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.