Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow, it works!!!!! Be right back, gonna try out my new time machine.....Let's see how this goes!!!!!

   You'll have to speak-up, i'm wearing a towel.

   Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.

   No working during drinking hours!!

   To a man, the sweetest sound on Earth is the sexual moan of the woman he's pleasuring!

   I find pregnant chicks sexy...I think it's because I know for a fact that they put out

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   Sometimes stapling water to a tree is much easier than convincing an idiot.

   Being broke has shortened my wife expectancy.

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   who do these people at Burger King think they are? Dont they know i'm an Ebay power seller,, and have over 70 friends on Facebook??,,,,FOOLS !!

   If I was to ever own a race horse I would name it "Two Trailer Park Girls" and train it to go 'round the outside just I can hear the caller do an Eminem impression!

   Think...we have imaginary farms, cities and animals. It's OK to poke people and write on walls...Facebook is a mental hospital and we are all patients!!!

   "If at first you don't succeed skydiving definitely isn't for you."

   If I like your status, please know that I'm mumbling "Screw you for being funnier than me" under my breath.

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.