Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them.

   middle east tensions? not worried here I survived the 80's....red dawn russian invasion,stray cats rocking towns inside out,and the Gap Band dropped a bomb on me!!!

   Hey, I just met you, and this crazy, but here is my dumbell so spot me maybe??!!

   Gay and Lesbo have sudenly become cool words since they are now "officially" endorsed by the President

   Time to re-boot, these ones are worn right through the sole.

   Safety glasses? On this jobsite, we squint for safety!!

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.

   Dear mom,, I hear babies rip your hoo hoo monster and turn it purple... Hope this card makes up for that.

   Tonight on TV. there's a documentary about white trash.... I only saw the trailer..

   The police knocked on my door last night and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I called Bullcr*p..... My dog doesn't have a bike..

   The inventor of the Hokey Pokey died today. Trying to get him in the coffin was a nightmare... They put the left leg in....................

   This girl I know asked her plastic surgeon to put jewels in with her fake boobs so she can have a treasure chest.

   WANTED: A single girl who can cook, love and has a good Job. Must have a house and a car. Please send me pictures of your HOUSE and CAR.

   Vidal Sassoon, he was head and shoulders above the rest....

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   was talking to the group of cute nurses after work and I told them I have a new SUV. One of them said, "What about the rain forest or the ice glaciers?" I said, "It has 4 wheel drive - we can go anywhere!"

   how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Put him on a stage with Tigers!!!

   My wife says I look tough with my headphones on...she doesnt need to know I am listening to Annie

   If Adele spent more time on her relationships than eating non-stop at Golden Corral we wouldn't have to listen to her whiney ass songs.

   Vidal Sassoon is mourned by all the suicide blonde's who DYED at their own hands.