Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace. 
: Nothing in the world is more obnoxious than a middle-aged white woman on her second glass of wine. Seriously, calm down
@comediancoolaid: I didn't know I was single untill I was wit this chic and her phone rang and she told me to be quiet.
Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.
If part of being your man is having to ever hear you perform your songs then, no, Sheryl Crow, I am not strong enough.
Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.
"Be honest with me" means "lie convincingly".
Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.
Kim Kardashian just tweeted that she is cleaning up her closing and will be selling her stuff on eBay auctions. Get ready to catch crabs people.
Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!
Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, tumblr is the bar and facebook is the people crying in the toilets.
Getting tired of people who haven't had a drop in 10 years calling themselves alcoholics. If you're living in Iowa, you ain't a sea captain.
Facebook friends: People I know - 75% People I talk to - 20% Real friends - 5%
Look to the left, now look to the right..... I just virtually slapped you.
The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.
Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ
Teach me to fish...With the price of fishing licences, it would be cheaper to just buy the little b@stards!
Time to buy groceries. More food in a crack house than around here!
Once you go Black, you're a single Mom!!!
Did you hear Buckwheat from "the little rascals" became a Muslim? His new name is Kareem of Wheat 