Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”

   I feel sorry for kids that behave in public because you know they get beat at home a lot.

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   I was once in a band called The Stepchildren. A lot of people pretended to like us.

   Do white women really not know that their hair is in their mouth?

   I have a Victoria's Secret model's body!! (in my basement)

   Have you ever just stopped and thought... "I was once inside my father's balls" ( ._. )

   Someone who has a hard time keeping up with technology has added you on Google+

   I'm not nodding to say yes about your idea....The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you're an idiot..

   It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

   Sex is good… the monks made a mistake; the ancient document says, “Celebrate,” not “Celibate!”

   :Shout out to single moms (because I know they put out).

   Dear Doctor Phil: I am 16 years old and I am not pregnant yet, does that mean my brother is g@y?

   Hun! You are just like a doll ; Pretty, but Life-less, dumb as a rock and everyone plays with you.

   WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?

   Facebook share value went from $38 to $43 already.  Now Facebook has sufficient funds to install aircraft landing lights on Rihanna's forehead.

   Why is Facebook going public? They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either?

   I want to start my own icecream brand and call it "Lick Me Till". Lick me till ice cream...