Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!

   Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, tumblr is the bar and facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

   Getting tired of people who haven't had a drop in 10 years calling themselves alcoholics. If you're living in Iowa, you ain't a sea captain.

   Facebook friends: People I know - 75% People I talk to - 20% Real friends - 5%

   Look to the left, now look to the right..... I just virtually slapped you.

   The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.

   Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ

   Teach me to fish...With the price of fishing licences, it would be cheaper to just buy the little b@stards!

   Time to buy groceries. More food in a crack house than around here!

   Once you go Black, you're a single Mom!!!

   Did you hear Buckwheat from "the little rascals" became a Muslim? His new name is Kareem of Wheat

   It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever

   With how slutty this generation of girls are, if your 16 and your hymen is still intact give yourself a round of applause.

   They should show the premiere of "Battleship" on Rihanna's forehead.

   :The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my azz will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work...

   :Apparently all the women that can deep throat are sitting in their rooms sexting all day.

   :You know that saying "Once you go black, you never go back"? Well I tell you, it sure does not apply to licorice.

   I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.

   The woman on Time Magazine's cover with her three year old, is there an App for that?

   NASCAR....Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks