Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"

   "Stoned to Death" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.

   The only time I ever drink ginger ale is on a plane. WTF is up with that?

   about 3 twinkies away from being sawed out of my bedroom ...nom nom nom

   Everybody hates that as$hole that takes 5 minutes to back into a parking spot.

   FACT: No chick has ever been laid in the back of a PT cruiser . Look it up on Wikipedia.

   Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)

   Half eaten Swiss Cake Rolls taste twice as delicious when snatched from the desperate grip of a small child.

   Distance is the biggest co*kblocker of them all.

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   WTF...It should be illegally for a woman to have a nice ass body with a Not so nice face... Its like when GOD was creating her he thought too himself, "You know what would be real funny...." #Mr.Brown

   feeling as sprightly today as Jimi Hendrix... or anyone else who has been dead for 40 years.

   i dont know whats worst..hearing dane cooks jokes..or seeing them recycled here all the time

   China thinks they own the entire planet

   I don't hate you…I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence