Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. *14 mosquitos likes this*

   there anything worse than being in a quiet break-room with someone eating something crunchy?

   There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

   Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.

   Dear girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from... call me

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

   I feel like a MILF because Man I Love Facebook.

   I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem." He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   : Nothing in the world is more obnoxious than a middle-aged white woman on her second glass of wine. Seriously, calm down

   @comediancoolaid: I didn't know I was single untill I was wit this chic and her phone rang and she told me to be quiet.

   Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.

   If part of being your man is having to ever hear you perform your songs then, no, Sheryl Crow, I am not strong enough.

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.

   "Be honest with me" means "lie convincingly".

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   Kim Kardashian just tweeted that she is cleaning up her closing and will be selling her stuff on eBay auctions. Get ready to catch crabs people.