Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BoObs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

   you're an overweight female who wears Yoga Pants everyday? Please continue to do so, I love throwing up in my mouth

   Like Granny G says, keep it in your pants

   Epic failure on my cooking tonight, even the dog took one bite and licked his ass afterwards to get the taste out of his mouth.

   I was at the pool earlier and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them. 

   Welcome to Facebook, where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own lies & the world shows off they are living a great life.

   To those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when daddy buys them the wrong colour Mercedes. SHUT UP! I ride a bike!

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......

   I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   HEY,,,Being a teenager is hard, you guys.... Especially when you're 45..

   ...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.

   I have a telescope in the peep hole of my door, so I can see who's at my door for 2 miles…..who is it???? Who's it gonna be when you get here….:)

   it's very important to exercise as we get older. my uncle started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. today he's 90 and we haven't a sweet jesus clue where he is.

   Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want

   I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   Dear cellphone companies: please please , invent a "unsend text" option