Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

   I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

   The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

   I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

   Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

   “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

   QAnon is nothing but a trailer park Scientology.

   In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   If I weren’t so angry I would feel horrible for all the bIack Iives so weak of mind and spirit that they let a bunch of old, white politicians tell them they aren’t good enough to be productive members of society.

   With our election choices, I now know how hard it is to be a gold digger!

   I love to change the world but I don't know what to do, so I leave it up to you to wear a mask. Ten Years After,

   Anybody else having a problem with theit Good Year tires pulling hard to the left???