Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn,, went to 2 Birthday parties,, ran 6 miles,, then told a BUNCH of lies on Facebook.

   If you think holding in a fart is difficult, try holding in an ethnic joke that JUST crosses the line.

   If you're smart, handsome with a good personality you can get any girl except a black one.

   WHAT,, Age is only a number??? I Don't think so asshat....."age" is a word...

   Autocorrect me if I'm Rung,,, but there's no Tim like the presents

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives here.

   Fighting fire with fire only gives you ashes.

   I KNOW it's early,,, but I've already got a date lined up for Valentine's Day,,,,,,,,,,,,It's gonna be Feb.14th.

   The distance between my being overwhelmed with happiness and wondering when it will all fall apart is precisely seventeen seconds.

   I just need you here in bed with me so we can talk, and laugh, and cuddle, and sleep, and stuff…

   Was gonna deactivate my facebook..but I thought I'd be so proud of myself I'd wanna put it as my status..so I thought it was no point! :)

   Wonder if Zuckererg lost his virginity last night

   If your chinese store dont have bullet proof glass then your not in the hood.!

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   What guys use pockets for: 7%: Putting stuff in it. 93%: Secretly scratching their balls.

   I shall share with thee how I emerged as the youthful heir to the throne of Bel-Air.

   I have this bad habit of always using my left hand to wipe my ass. Instead, I'm going to try to commit to using toilet paper more often.

   DOG DIARY: Today was so much fun! My master and I played fetch! CAT DIARY: Day 972 of captivity.

   What's the most sensitive part of your body while m@sturbating? Your ears because you're listening for footsteps ... in case someone walks in on you.

   Why did Facebook go public? Couldn't they figure out the privacy settings either?