Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!!"

   now that Zuckerberg is married, if he divorces does she get the "face" half or the "book" half

   Two lesbians walk into a bra....................(Yes,,that was a typo, but I liked it so much, I kept it.)

   I like getting drunk because I love it when the whole world revolves around me.

   I may not open a lot of doors for women, but I do kill a lot of dragons for them.

   Music is the best Time Machine.

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "Damn GIRL, did you give up on life?"

   F*CK You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You ↷ You ↳ You ↶ You ↴ You ↵ And You ↺

   Who the Hell puts Gary is a Moose and thought that ish would be funny? Last time I checked Gary is a pet Snail...... off of SpongeBob!!!

   If you're offended by a woman's foul mouth... then you've probably never made one cumm! :)

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.