Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   I hope Karma punches you in the face before I do.

   I've been listening and wondering all day, and then it hit me. The ice cream truck isn't going to run because of the holiday.

   Okay, I have a confession to make. About 15 years ago, on a warm Saturday afternoon, just for a few moments, I stopped believing. Please don't tell Journey!!

   a riddle inside an enigma, wrapped in a warm flour tortilla.

   When I was growing up, my parents always told me "If you don't have something interesting to post on Facebook, don't post anything at all." Or, something like that....

   Sometimes women look at menus like they've never seen or heard of food before.

   Some People can be so horrible...to look at.

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.

   I dream of a world where bl@ck men buy smaller pants and wh!te men buy bigger shirts so we don't have to see all those boxers and beer guts.

   I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

   If your body is a temple, I have a confession to make.

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.

   When the going gets tough the tough get vodka.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   Always be yourself. Unless you need a ride home from the airport, then be whoever's name is on the closest limo driver's card.