Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Streaking is all fun and games... until the fat one wants to do it.

   I'm not really marriage material... since I still have hopes and dreams.

   Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six if you be the nine

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg.: HA-HA!!! --MySpace Tom

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy, men have to deal with women. It's all about balance.

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

   Despite the cost of living, it's still popular!

   I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am

   Girlfriend: Baby, I'm Pregnant. What do you want it to be? . . . . . . Boyfriend: A joke.

   Those guys with "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating

   While using a public toilet I use the first pieces TP to cover the automatic flusher sensor because its just annoying until I'm finished.

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are

   Crayola coming out with a new color Oompa Loompa in honor of Jersey Shore and Willy Wonka

   Whoever said "money doesn't grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed

   During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

   "When the hell did I say all that?" -Simon

   Midwife - People helping people get people out of people.

   I've been trying to throw away this trash can for the past 2 months & the garbage men just keep leaving it on the sidewalk.

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.