Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you remember the cereal called "freakies" ...google if you don't ..gotta love the 70's

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   Random fact of the day, Americans piss out 114,000,000 gallons a day...that's 172 Olympic sized swimming pools of piss being disposed everyday!!!!!

   Yesterday I asked my girlfriend what she'd like for her birthday... She's still talking.

   I'm lucky. I have no problem getting my husband to wear his wedding ring. He says it's a chick magnet.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   #Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.

   Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

   I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio.

   Put a viàgrã pill in your fuel tank...atleast the fuel indicator will stay up !! :D

   Got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   I park in handicapped spaces and watch handicapped people pulling handicapped faces.

   Thought about hitting the gym today but I called ahead and they said the shake weight is still out of service so screw that.........

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans "Free nights and weekends"

   "I LOVE getting up this early!" - Nobody