Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   girl I'm friends with on Facebook recently broke up with her boyfriend and now I know all the lyrics to Taylor Swift's first cd

   My ideal location to propose would be The Grand Canyon Skywalk...that way if she says "No'' I'll just push her over the bridge.

   Priscilla Chan is to Mark Zuckerberg as Yoko Ono is to ...

   It's all fun and games untill someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   My girlfriend doesn't like it when I talk about her weight, she thinks it's a heavy subject

   At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.

   Before sliced bread, the best invention was food that didn't run away when you tried to eat it.

   Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.

   My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.

   I've never met a person that liked me I didn't like.

   Hey old guys wearing your hats backwards, you're making it worse.

   I wonder if kids in China ever look at their happy meal toys and think, "Hey, I made this."

   You're telling me things I want to hear, but you're not showing me the things I want to see. - said the golddigger

   Oral sex is a beautiful way to say good night.

   Most of my longest relationships have been with deep dish pizzas.

   "Mirror, mirror on the the wall, who's the most expressionless one of them all?" --how I imagine this Kristen Stewart Snow White movie going

   Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops.

   I was chatting up a chick online earlier. She said, "I'm curvy, voluptuous and cuddly". I said, "and I'm not that stupid, fatty".

   I got off with this Thai lady last night........ She had an 8 inch clit0ris...