Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear "cool people", they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, nerds.

   Did anyone figure out where they got the bright white sports car?

   "The View" is pointless. Those ladies need to stop talking about politics and start passing around sandwich recipes.

   if you aren't pissing off at least 10 people a day, you aren't trying...

   Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For.. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back...

   When I text you a massive paragraph and you reply 40 minutes later with 'K' Fu$k you

   Dear People, Please stop all the period jokes. Sincerely, Everyone's Ovary Acting

   My GF told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. That's ok, I said; I'm seeing a nurse, a fitness instructor and a college student…

   You know you had a good night when you wake up with one less friend and one new useless Ebay purchase.

   Oh you got "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your application to McDonald's.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?

   I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."

   Growing up I always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.

   Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. S$it.

   During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   whats the deal with that Papa Johns dude and his long pauses???

   Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.

   If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.