Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remembers when Cheddar was still a cheese

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace. (

   Hey people that make socks..can you make them so they last more then 3 times worn..!

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !

   I just ate at the Olive Garden for the first time. It felt just like being in Tuscany,, And by Tuscany,, I mean the break room of a Radio Shack

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees

   HAHA !!,, I just saw a picture of Katy Perry holding a guitar and it looked just like when I make my cat pretend he's typing

   Yesterday, Eugene Polly,, The inventor of the TV remote died.. I'd go to his funeral but it's WAY too far from my couch.

   I was gonna comment something funny on Snooki's pregnancy...but sooo not worth it...

   realizing being gay is such a happier way to live

   We can only heal as a nation, once we acknowledge that Morris Day and the Time were robbed in the battle of the bands in Purple Rain.

   My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

   "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center

   My dog was starting to take my love for granted so I made her watch one of those really depressing ASPCA animal abuse awareness commercials. This morning she washed my truck and took out the trash.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

   Someone talking on his Smart phone while driving his Smart car got into an accident with a truck.....this was very oxymoronic .

   Ya know, I am one for advancements in technology but honestly all this stuff that has been coming out lately is like a freaking stalker's wet dream!

   My wifi doesn't have a password because I have unlimited Internet so I don't give a s@#t.

   The older and fatter I get the more my underwear makes me feel like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net.

   You can't see your next if you're too busy looking at your Ex.