Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you aren't pissing off at least 10 people a day, you aren't trying...

   Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For.. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back...

   When I text you a massive paragraph and you reply 40 minutes later with 'K' Fu$k you

   Dear People, Please stop all the period jokes. Sincerely, Everyone's Ovary Acting

   My GF told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. That's ok, I said; I'm seeing a nurse, a fitness instructor and a college student…

   You know you had a good night when you wake up with one less friend and one new useless Ebay purchase.

   Oh you got "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your application to McDonald's.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?

   I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."

   Growing up I always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.

   Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. S$it.

   During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   whats the deal with that Papa Johns dude and his long pauses???

   Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.

   If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.

   Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead.

   I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone"

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.