Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like girls that smoke weed. You could say I have high standards.

   Some days you tame the tiger. And some days the tiger has you for lunch.

   between parkinson's and alzheimer's I would rather have Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it.

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   REMEMBER: a noisy BBQ may upset your neighbours. Another great way to annoy them is to throw your rubbish into their garden...

   at the end of the day what really matters is not much. if you laughed more than you cried,smiled more than you frowned,told your friends and family that you loved them,and had a pretty good time doing what you do for a living,then it was a good day. go to

   Now days spelling "good" is as simple as paying attention in school

   Don't try to high five blind people Ryan Seacrest, it is awkward.

   I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

   A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.

   Facebook's friend suggestion section should be renamed to "People you know, but probably hate."

   I want to quit drinking, but my momma didn't raise a quitter!

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.

   What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?

   Nowdays spending time thinking for a gud status is quite easier than searching for it here

   Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!

   Fellas, If a girl switches from Cowgirl to Doggy-Style on her own, without even needing to be told........ you have found a f*ck Goddess.

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."