Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever read the nutrition facts on a bottle of water??? It does nothing for you people!!

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   "You have the cutest little baby back rib face." The last thing you want to hear in Florida.

   I don't care what you listened to on spotify.

   Are we running out of chickens to eat? Another student found eating brains and heart cops says!

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   I can sponsor a child for $.79 a day, but it costs me $2.99 a minute to chat with my "special friend"! Sorry poor, starving children. Its a tough economy so daddy needs his sexy talk.

   If your friends always ask you to take pictures, are they not also implying you're too damn ugly to be in those pictures?

   Florida's Zombie, Florida's Zimmerman, Florida's Laws, and Florida's Heat Team....sounds like Floridans are leading the chart in the Funny

   Spike Lee must have planted that extra passport and assets on George Zimmermen!!!

   remember the good ole days when you only had to worry about creepy white guys trying to eat your face.

   If you hang around four broke people, I guarantee you will be the fifth.

   My legs are so white they signed their kids up for way too many extra-curricular activities.

   Hey Merriweather, since you're ducking Pacquiao you can fight O.J. now!!! Inmate!

   If your going to shoot a black kid and claim self defense, make sure you dont lie to the judge, and have $135,000 worth of asset and 2 passports!! Take some bathsalt to the head afterwards if you thinking about it.

   The police have trained sniffer dogs to identify criminals who are carrying guns, coke and cash. Or "Mexicans", as I prefer to call them.

   I'm hungrier than a Floridian Zombie!

   Libertarians keep Republicans out of your bedroom and Democrats out of your wallet.

   If coffee or booze can't fix it, then it's a serious problem.

   If the facebook app gets any slower my timeline will be going backward