Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   S.I.N.G.L.E = Sometimes It's Not Good to Love Everybody

   When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

   Gay Drive by: They pull up in a pink ford focus, Throw skittles and shout "TASTE THE RAINBOW BIT$H!"

   I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you logged into Myspace."

   Ever notice how men insult each other and don't really mean it and women compliment each other and don't really mean it?

   We live in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad... I fear for the future.

   Why is "All Together" written separately, but "Separately" is written all together?

   That disappointing feeling you get when you unlock the black guy in temple run and realize he's not any faster.

   My dr put me on antidepressants with some side effects. Ive never been happier to have diarrhea, nausea, and night sweats!

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur.

   I hate when men's restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them

   NEVER challenge a frog in a top hat to a dance off. Seriously.

   I thought my date had big man hands... until I realized I was sitting in the wrong seat in the theater after coming back from the restroom

   What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green....

   Celine Dion, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Griffin, and Garry Busey... The four horse faces of the apocalypse

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has Farmville

   My parents should be proud of me.. Because I'm addicted to Facebook and not drugs.. (^_^)

   i saw on the news that miami police shot a naked guy chewing on another guys face... there is no joke here. I thought that in its self was funny.