Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you think it's time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs?

   The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

   there an instrument called the didgeridon't? Because there should be.

   It would be cool if getting Lou Gehrig's disease meant you became amazing at baseball.

   Facebook's just not as fulfilling as it never was.

   I think everything my children have said for the past 48 hours has been in the form of a question. I'm living in Alex Trebek's nightmare.

   It's important to let go of your dreams if you want to make room for more brownies.

   What's worse...being the paparazzi who has to take photos of Justin Bieber or being the paparazzi who gets his ass kicked by Justin Beiber?

   everytime someone likes my status an angel gets thier wings

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

   I'm going to create man & women with original sin. Then I'm going to impregnate a woman with myself as her child so that I can be born. Once alive, I will kill myself as a sacrifice to myself. To save you from a sin I originally condemned you to. Ta dah!!

   Oi DI#KHEAD!! If you can read this..Can you please let me know..coz it means I blocked the wrong person..Sorry bud..I'm still getting used to this Stupid timeline cr#p!!

   I am the author of my life, Unfortunately I am writing in pen, So I cant erase my mistakes

   I'm not racist.. I have a colored TV......

   I try to eat enough greasy food so that plaque can't stick to my arteries.

   What did the ocean say to the land.....nothing it just waved

   Beer commercials taught me good looking people like horrible beer.

   Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.

   Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?

   If there's one thing the internet has taught me over the years.... It's that alot of money would be saved during the deconstruction of old buildings if we just fired some angry birds at them.