Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really feel the techniques on the Dog Whisperer could work on some problematic human beings too.

   Am I the only one who gets creeped out at all the solar lights flashing in cemetaries these days?...To me it looks like thousands of corpses are holding up their cigarette lighters waiting for the last song at a Grateful Dead concert to be played.

   I don't give a sh*t how many of my FB friends liked "Walmart" ur just not gonna convice me to hit that button!

   One loyal Girlfriend is worth more than one hundred hoes..

   Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd, you're a w$ore who found glasses

   People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.

   HIGH SCHOOL made everyone either cool , uncool , bisexual , real , fake , pregnant , dropouts , alcoholics , pot heads or somewhere in jail.

   Life is like a p*nis, it's short but it seems so long when it gets hard.

   I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?

   Baby, are you Jealous? "No..." "Babe, you Jealous?" "NO!" "Baby, can I get a kiss?" "GO AND GET A KISS FROM THE H$E THAT LIKED YOUR STATUS!"

   I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night,

   2 words..... Fire Flies. you're welcome <3

   i know you guys want to remove timeline from Facebook, so do I but can you please stop sending me request for it!

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   Don't need to worry about zombies here in West Virginia....no brains.