Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last Sta

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   What do you call a black businessman? A drug dealer.

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   You have to work to get me and you have to work to keep me.

   Mans face eat'n in Miami the Apocalypse has begun.!

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. So if you see him without an erection... make him a sandwich!

   I have been watching that new reality show on the History channel...I had no idea that Bill Paxton hated Kevin Costner....

   While its always good to honer our service men and women, Memorial Day is to honer FALLEN heros.

   Its that time of the year again, the baithing suit pictures flood our news feed. If I wanted to see all those breats' and thighs, I'd just go to KFC!

   If Bebier goes to Jail will he come out singing like Eminem ??

   Brunch with a spork ...that's how I roll

   "im a good girl" -bad girls

   Theory is when you know everything but nothing works, Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.... At work Theory and Practice is combined, as nothing works and no one knows why :)

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.......

   ...when the therapist asked me about my relationship with your parents, I replied "non sexual" the facial expressions were well worth the $100 dollars.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's really hard to pronounce...

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the Los Angeles Zoo..