Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You see a lovely group of friends at a dinner party, I see a bunch of people being forced to hold in their farts.

   I remember when The Miss USA Pageant used to mean something! Wait, no, I'm thinking about the Pulitzer. Sorry,enjoy the boobies.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.

   We're all adults here, you can say "p0rn" instead of "late night commercial"

   I'm not sure how many contact lenses I put in the same eye this morning, but I can see Saturn's rings from here.

   V@gina is my weapon of choice.

   Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they are screwing them.

   I'm not a player, I just tuck a lot. ~Transvestites

   Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed.

   Ladies, if you are wearing an excessively short skirt this summer, please do everybody a favor and shave. And I am not talking about legs.

   on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades

   Want to know who your friends are?...Tell everybody the truth and see who still hangs arounds you afterwards.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries...

   If you tell a lie and myth so many times, people will eventually believe it so much that they will actually fight to preserve it. Government and Religious institutions are incredibly crafty at this.

   Does anybody no CPR in Miami? Lebron James is doing the International choking sign again.....

   Hey I just met you. and this is crazy. But theirs the Kitchen. A sandwich maybe?

   just a thought...if you are a wanted criminal and your picture is all over the internet......an internet cafe is probably not the best place to hang out in.....

   “Can someone send me airtime?”, “Can someone buy me this nice pair of shoes I saw at the mall?”, “Can someone buy me a ticket to the Trey Songz concert?”, “Can someone bring me lunch to my workplace?” - a s1ut's facebook st@tus upd@tes.

   Here's an Idea. Instead of putting your hands on your hips to make you look thiner. Why don't you just lose weight?? Just Sayin.