Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the trash.....

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   People will always throw stones in your path ! It dpends on You ! what do You make from it: A “Wall” of difficulties. OR, A “Bridge of success.

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   we have chosen death over life, hatred over peace, arguments over understanding, conflict over family, etc. We are our own worse enemy endangered species!! Sad but true ain't nothing gonna change until dig within self and accept God "within"...

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I'll become karma.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, fired from the company in 1985, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What's your excuse?

   It's absolutely hilarious when an idiot tries to convince you and themselves that Android handsets are better than an iPhone.

   Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.

   B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."

   The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

   A camp fire is alot like masterbation. As long as you have wood you can keep yourself entertained. But when its gone the fun is over.

   You ever let one loose and it was too late? I just farted and didnt see the midget standing next to me.....