Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My last relationship ended when she asked me to take out the trash and I said, ok… where do you want to go?

   Ugly hoes, you can NOT have attitudes! You need to be nice, cause your looks sure ain't getting you nowhere!!!!

   I love being the first one up in the morning, it gives me time to take all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms for ransom....

   "You'd look pretty crazy without us", said her Eyebrows.

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   If the Twilight films have taught us anything it's that werewolves are afraid of shirts.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

   Man, those Brits are jubilee-ing their balls off.

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.

   If your coffee order is more than six words long, including "thank you," I hope a raccoon rummages through your a$$hole.

   Forget flying cars... I want Futurama's complex system of air tubes that take us everywhere....Weeeee !

   You know you're a slut if you know how to make eye contact while giving a bl0wjob.

   I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.

   Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.

   One advantage of going to sleep drunk: The bed bugs leave you alone.

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door...... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.

   Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.