Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My performance as "guy pretending to be on phone avoiding eye contact w/ aggressive homeless guy," is getting some early Oscar buzz.

   Other Names kicked around before settling on Great White: 1. Fabulous White 2. Hella White 3. Jumbo White 4. Big Ass White 5. Superb White

   The effects that bath salts have been having give a whole new meaning to "Calgon · Take Me Away!"

   I can't believe so many "singles in your area are dying to meet" me. It's probably all of the I-pads I've won.

   "Obese roll models" joke was done just 2 pages ago, does no one check before they copy and paste others twitter jokes anymore? Just rude....

   Say what you want about the south but nobody retires and moves up north

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is frighteningly serious.

   So......Snooki announced she's having a baby boy. Phew! That was close

   Judging by how The Hulk speaks, he reacted badly to grammar rays as well.

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   No, go ahead. Have a conversation under my status update with someone that has nothing to do with my status update. I wanted to unfriend some people today anyway and it till make my decision that much easier on who to get rid of.

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

   Why the outrage over Romney's misspelling of "America?" For gosh sake, his parents didn't know how to spell "Matt."

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   My girlfriend was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not crap your pants.

   The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.

   If there wasn't such thing as a last minute I'd never get anything done.

   Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump because you've invested so much time in the relationship.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.