Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   Dear Someone: I miss you so damn much!

   They say "Opposites attract" but they never tell you for how long.

   Pregnancy...when the belly starts to show...the tiddays start to grow.

   One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.

   Standing in walmart cosmetics aisle with wife and she asks me if she should try this tube of wrinkle remover. I replied "it's kind of a small tube, isn't it?". I've stopped coughing up blood, so the doctors optimistic.

   My Wife said the other day "Do you still love me now that I'm getting old and fat?". Apparently "you're not old" was an inppropriate response.

   "Lick it or ticket." - horny cop.

   A man lying in bed facing his wife, looks into her eyes and says, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery babe", She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?" He says "No I wish you would roll over !"

   Flirting words = "Big head", "Punk", "Ugly", & "We gone fight."" ;)

   "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.", huh. Hence the zombie apocalypse.....

   I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace

   Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship.

   I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   Well here I am, sitting on the pavement with my pork pies, sandwiches, & beer. Flying my union jack flag, cheering at the top of my voice with British pride as the procession goes past. Dont you just love muslim funerals.

   This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, [at least] one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull.

   So its only B3G0 fool who gets away with re-p0sting old material up in this b!tch?

   my mind never wonders but my hands do ;)