Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run.

   My neighbor called the cops because he thought I was screaming in pain when in fact I was just singing in the shower.

   Whenever I'm smoking in an open space and someone starts coughing like a b1tch, I throw a teargas canister at them and run.

   The experts says "don't stare directly into the sun during the Venus transit". Do we really need to be told that? Also, during the Venus transit, don't forget to breathe.

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

   I wrote a book called "How to pick up girls." Page 1 says "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of dudes

   "Please die please die" - when I see someone I know walking towards me to say Hi

   I just spent an hour chasing a rabbit trying to take a picture of it. What has instagram done to me?.

   The box for my new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.

   it offensive to bring your own chair to someone's apartment?

   To save time on playing board games in my family, dad would take the game out of the box and go directly to the throwing it at the wall part

   Reviews are in for Windows 8, looks like it's going to be the best Facebook access device yet.

   :If you need to check our astrology signs to see if we are compatible... we are not.

   Ladies marry the guy who comes to drop you all the way to your house in his PETROL car with the AC on

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have big titties and a BIG booty! #Distractions

   T's Lounge in West Palm Beach, Florida welcomes Octomom, Nadya Suleman July 11th thru 15th for her topless strip show. - from "Us Weekly". Write your own jokes, I'm just warning those of you in Florida about this.

   Remember: One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.

   I'm sick and tired of Pinterest invading Facebook! you need to stay on your side of the fence, we didn't invite you in  our  yard!  Don't make me turn this into the Hatfield & McCoys!

   Kanye West should be coming out with ''Gold Digger'' part 2 anytime now...

   Remember guys, while your checking some other girl out, someone else is checking out your girl. Appreciate what you have, or someone else will.