Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I changed my last name on Facebook to "dis", so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post.

   So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook.

   fb Who needs it, we have each other... right? Hello?

   Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume...

   I'm not giving you the finger... I'm just giving you half the peace sign.

   My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...

   If I was ever given just one month to live, I'd watch a baseball game. It's an eternity.

   Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere.

   I look forward to the day that I have a burger named after me.

   My boss doesn't realize that I'm cleverly disguised as an adult.

   When I fart...you will be the second person to know.

   Bacon never asks silly questions... Bacon understands.

   My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   I wonder if Fabio finally believes its not butter?

   FACT: If you keep a crossbow in your home, you're 70% likelier to be shot and/or laughed at by an intruder with a gun.

   Thanks to all the legal and medical dramas I've watched, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of winning court cases and saving lives.

   I forget how ridiculous I look while air drumming until I see the pictures that come with my red light ticket.

   if dinosaurs really existed why dont you hear about them in the bible?...not even loading 2 of them on the ark

   says I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   You need motivation to START something, then to keep at it you need DISCIPLINE. You think you have these? Then move your ass.