Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.

   Hey guy hitting on my girlfriend, how does imagination feel like?

   I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.

   When LeBron James gets a mosquito bite, he looks around for a ref.

   a Golden Shower the best to show a woman that she's the one? I mean, dogs piss on things to mark THEIR territory, right?

   "they judge me before they even know me, that's why I'm better off alone" - Shrek

   I didn't want to be that creepy guy, so instead of gawking at the woman at the gym, I licked the sweat off her treadmill.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.

   The only reason I don't lie to people is because I don't want anyone thinking I like them enough to care about not hurting their feelings.

   Chances are you're doing something right now that would make me hate you. Like breathing or talking or existing anywhere near me.

   it after the first or the second rejection that I should start questioning a woman's sexual orientation?

   I walk around with a city map so people think I'm a tourist and never bother to ask me anything.

   I mistakenly had sex with a model. These mannequins are really starting to look real.

   I found a video of my parents having sex on their computer, I was sickened. But not as sickened as when I got a hard-on.

   You're not my typo.

   You don't need reasons to kill people, you need opportunities.

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy duct tape to shut people up, so what's the difference?

   I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.