Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is when you wake up with your boxers around your ankles and your hands full of peanut butter, right?.

   A dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend.

   As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.

   Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".

   Having trouble sleeping? How about I tuck you in with this left hook.

   You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.

   Poke Hot biatches on Facebook ...cause my gf is cool with that

   If you have a craving for Pringles & Sardines at 3am in the morning..... you just smoked some bad weed, thats all!

   Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head or you end up looking like a damn lollipop.

   Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!

   Lazy Fact #12983789127489: You were too lazy to read that number .

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?

   "I don't care what anyone thinks!" - People who care what everyone thinks

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so I can start getting some s$it done.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fu$king me.

   Sorry, I'm really bad at returning calls and texts." = "Um yeah, I just don't want to talk to you."

   The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.

   Some say imaginary friends are for crazy people. Please tell me about Facebook again.

   Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don't think I've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.