Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever have one of those nights where you drink to much and end up dreaming you are standing at the toilet taking a leak only wake to find you are wet and not at the toilet.....No?.... Me either

   Be careful about making too many plans; that's were “premeditated” comes from.

   How quick she mentions her husband/fiancé/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.

   I think before we vote, we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what's REALLY on their minds.

   Sometimes we realize things to late. When you have a baby you realize you shouldn't have raw dogged it. When you lose that special someone you realize what went wrong. After last night I realized I'm never drinking again

   You may have over 300 friends but in true life when you're older you can count the amount of friends you have on one hand.

   The best nights ever begin with the question "Are we going to get in trouble for this?"

   You're thin, entertaining, I love staying up all night with you and falling asleep by your side. I love you laptop.

   If a Rabbit Foot is considered good luck, then a Camel Toe should be considered amazing luck!

   It's Siri's time off the month again....she's acting mad and wont answer anything

   Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama???? If it were invented anywhere else they would have named it the teethbrush....

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.

   I suppose I'm a late bloomer. But the way it's going, I'm going to hook up in the nursing home. Somebody water me, PLEASE!

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.

   I distrust Camels and anyone else who can go 1 week without a drink.

   classified ad in newfoundland newspaper: for sale one large living room window, only looked through twice.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important

   I saw a squirrel eating a dead squirrel on the way home. So, the bath salt/zombie crisis has now reached the animal kingdom...

   Yes, it's Sunday and the weekend is almost over, as time flies when your having fun...I suggest doing something really boring all day long to stretch it out until midnight!

   My neighbours have seen me naked more than my future wife ever will.