Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At page 120 of 500 page into fifty shades of gray the wife is asking question of things in the book. Crazy part is she didn't even ask how I knew.

   Times like these you know who your true girlfriends are

   My wife said I don't do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself.........smh

   Hey guys, let's start a Ninja Club. First rule of Ninja Club is....wait, where the heck did everybody go?

   All successful people have had plans that failed, but none have ever failed to plan.

   A little thumb-dance when you don't know how to reply to a text

   Be with the one who will get your panties wet not your eyes.

   Having a dog as a friend better than having a friend as a dog ....

   Cats and dogs play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. And, after 20 years, I still play with my wife's hooters.

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started rollin fatter blunts...

   Cat's and dogs must be pretty stupid to just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Now go check your iPhones again....and again....and again.....

   For as little as $1 a day,,,, You can feed a family of 5 ducks chunks of bread down at your local pond.

   I'm saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.

   If there's one thing I hate, it's self-loathing... If there's two things I hate, it's self-loathing and myself.

   The World is a Circus and The Devil is it's Ring Leader.

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   I feel like people would take clinical depression more seriously if we started calling it Frown Syndrome.

   "Okay, then why'd I just do that?" - Me, after punching someone who just said "Everything happens for a reason."

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.