Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy duct tape to shut people up, so what's the difference?

   I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

   The only time I wouldn't mind being buried alive is if were under a pile of money.

   If you cant spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi

   If you can spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi.

   My friend invited me over to play COD and now I'm dressed up in a fish costume. This is not what I was expecting.

   You are the only person who will see you wearing your novelty boxer shorts.

   I have just enough ketchup packets in my desk drawer at work to successfully fake my own death

   I thought I saw Keira Knightley laying by the side of the road but it turned out to be a fallen tree branch.

   People who care what everyone thinks--"I don't care what anyone thinks!"

   I bet Floyd Mayweather paid the judges

   Take my wife....... for example !!!

   The only alcohol problem I have is i'm running low on vodka

   Nothing SCREAMS "I have a small peni$", more than owning/riding a Harley Davidson!.

   Lol at Labron... seemed very confused with what the word "redemption" means... as he avoided the question.

   It must be past the Celtics bedtime.

   looking forward to being embarrassed tomorrow...

   hey black guys. When you cover yourself in tatoos, you just look blacker...

   Currently having an "out-of-money" experience.

   Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's drunk texts.