Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After I bang a chick, I draw a “#” on the her lower back. I call it an #asstag.

   Some people in my life are as useless as the "AY" in "OKAY", but once in awhile I like to take the time to spell things out so I need em..

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   I just called Chaz Bono "lady" now I'm sitting back and watching the fire works

   Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, a wild trap door appears and prove me wrong.

   "Does anybody know what time it really is?" - man with an irrational distrust of watches and clocks.

   Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.

   It's so humid in here in the office that the envelopes are licking themselves.

   Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.

   This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.

   Make love to a woman's mind, and her body will follow in kind

   Before gaydar, it is widely suspected that gay men found each other using a cumpass.

   I think that I should inform everyone to NEVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night. Trust me!

   When LIFE turns itz BACK on U.. SLAP itz a$$!!!!

   "supermassive black hole" is always funny, I don't care what you say.

   If you open your iPhone camera when it's reversed, and your own face scares and shames you, it's considered cardio.

   Wondering if the English Prime Minister supports the "No Child Left Behind" movement lol

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."

   I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it