Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a crocodile with an 80s dude on his shirt pocket.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.

   "Was that lightning?" "No. They're taking pictures for Google Earth."

   I got 98,998 problems, and rounding up numbers is one of them.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I disagree. Revenge is a dish best served so hot that it will burn your gizzards out.

   Oh, you're not fat. You're just easier to see.

   First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."

   My whole world just disappeared. :( Is anyone else's notification icon missing???

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.

   "We should mate" "WHAT!?" "I said date, we should date sometime, ya know just the 2 of us.

   Pockets are an awesome way to scratch your balls while in public!

   A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wifi.

   "For the love of honey!" - Grizzly bear

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition..

   When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

   Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward: Your ringtone being, "I Will Survive"