Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   If you're looking for the Poop emoticon on Whatsapp, go straight to the "people" tab.

   I want to start a radio station that only plays music by people who play instruments.

   This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   During sex last night I whispered those 3 little words in my wifes ear...................................."Stop, Don't Move".

   so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

   Be my guest, rain on my parade, I have the biggest umbrella you have ever seen!

   ya know...i tried tap dancing once, but I had to give it up....i kept falling into the sink!

   Why do people say they slept like a baby? Is it because they wake up every two hours or is it because they wake up with a load in their jammies?

   Maybe I like my dirty mouth.... Orbit... you're NEVER getting in me.

   i do believe my fake laugh is ready to go pro.

   Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don't do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!