Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend of mine told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin, I asked how he could tell them apart, and he said her brother has a mustache.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it though.

   Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.

   They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.

   When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case

   Just imagine how fast church would go if Busta Rhymes was the preacher

   One man's face is another man's lunch.

   I am so happy with my life I want to go out and punch someone in the face to celebrate.

   If we can't get weed legalized, we can just start calling it smokable beer.

   Becoming a Doctor and changing my last name to Acula

   A virus caused me to reset my phone... I don't need anyone's number again, but if my exes can resend me those 'special' pictures... I'd appreciate it...

   I put the 'me' in camouflage; you just don't see it.

   A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's d*ck.

   They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.

   Mayor Bloomberg is going to outlaw large sodas. Good to know that New York City is officially out of legitimate problems to deal with.

   I hate when I go to the break room and get held in a hostage conversation.

   I got 99 problem, and dealing with you is all of them.

   John Wayne Toilet Tissue: It's Rough - It's Tough And It Don't Take Crap Off Anyone

   in just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom known as Shades of Grey Babies

   That moment when your smoking and the smoke gets in your eyes and makes then water : /