Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first.

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?

   I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.

   the store has close parking spots for "new parents"...if I adopt a 10 yr old, do I get to park there?

   I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work

   happy sperm donor day

   bought a box of condoms tonight..... when I walked in the house my wife asked me" why did you buy a year's supply for?"

   maury... a one man crusade to make fathers day a celebration for all men.

   If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.

   Just because ur wearing a metal mulisha shirt and ur tatted up doesn't make you a gangster... It means your trying to hard to fit in

   America... Where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

   It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.

   Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.