Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.

   Went to the Bunmy Ranch but it was closed:( The sign said "We're Closed! Beat It!

   Then repost off page 200 or earlier.. Something we didnt just see.

   I'm not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.

   When a guy says he doesn't eat pu$$y,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

   I met a girl the other day who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom. So I electroshocked her.

   Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say "he is such an a$$hole" and just like that, I'm part of the group.

   They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   If you're not in love right now, you're wasting valuable time!

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.

   Then just repost it! Don't put your name Like you are funny or something!

   My pleasant personality is brought to you this morning by several strong cups of coffee.

   Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.

   Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.

   A friend of mine told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin, I asked how he could tell them apart, and he said her brother has a mustache.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it though.