Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at a restaurant last night and I thought I saw a family praying at the table. It turned out they were only texting.

   Why do they call it a "Wonder Bra?" Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went..

   I think all women can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.

   I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   I'm guilty of singing songs that I don't know all the words to, but for that 15 seconds I do know, I own that sh*t.

   Just put together some Ikea furniture without instructions and was able to build an extra table and two shelves with the parts I left out.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   I know! I'll go on the Internet and complain! That'll fix everything!

   I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   The bad news: Tom Cruise is playing an 80's rockstar at nearly 50, Yikes!!!...The worse news: The only women old enough to play his groupies are Betty White & Barbara Walters! ツ