Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Becoming a Doctor and changing my last name to Acula

   A virus caused me to reset my phone... I don't need anyone's number again, but if my exes can resend me those 'special' pictures... I'd appreciate it...

   I put the 'me' in camouflage; you just don't see it.

   A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's d*ck.

   They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.

   Mayor Bloomberg is going to outlaw large sodas. Good to know that New York City is officially out of legitimate problems to deal with.

   I hate when I go to the break room and get held in a hostage conversation.

   I got 99 problem, and dealing with you is all of them.

   John Wayne Toilet Tissue: It's Rough - It's Tough And It Don't Take Crap Off Anyone

   in just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom known as Shades of Grey Babies

   That moment when your smoking and the smoke gets in your eyes and makes then water : /

   The point of YOLO isn't to party and do a bunch of crazy sh*t cause you only live once. The points to go out of your way to do nice things, live life to the fullest.

   Some girls are like community colleges... Even if you're not the smartest guy, you probably still get in.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   Wanna hear a joke? WNBA

   Never judge a book by its cover, UNLESS the word Twilight is written on it... then you know it's s$it.

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me? Sit back down. Can't face me? Turn around.

   Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!

   Everyone makes mistakes, accept for me.

   Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.