Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They called it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

   I hate Monday's...... and condoms.

   Why do all gang members have arthritis in their fingers?

   I'm not saying your a slut, but you have had more balls in your mouth then the hungry hungry hippos

   Metallica is now changing their name to lica ..cause they no longer play Metal

   It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   She says I am her one and only love, but she has a whole photo album dedicated to Brad Pitt while my single pic on her page is languishing under wall pictures.

   Liking and commenting on the same status, gives me a false sence of notification.

   Sex is like pizza. When's it's good it's good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

   ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle. 

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right." Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   I'm not saying you're boring, but my mind is break-dancing while you talk.

   10 yrs from now: Dad, how'd you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that...

   Can't we all just learn how to swim?

   Shower = 2% Wash Body | 3% Wash Hair | 95% Contemplate Life.

   Dad, thanks for forgetting to use a condom and creating the greatest person ever!

   Being a FEMALE is a matter of BIRTH, being a WOMAN is a matter of AGE, but being a LADY is a matter of CHOICE...

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.