Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.

   I can turn any alcohol into vomit. Top that, Jesus.

   I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.

   Them gas prices going down like White girls in a college town!

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.

   Relationships are for two people, but some people just don't know how to count...

   Girl at bar: "I'm the same size I was in college." Me: "Oh, you were a porker back then, too?"

   Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages

   You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes sex drive by 95% - it's called Wedding Cake

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called Do You Smell Something Burning?

   I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government.

   I pour some Bacon Flavored Bath Salt water on a Roach to see what happens. Cuz Raid and Pest Control are getting expensive! I

   I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick some a$$. And looks like I'm all out of bubble gum.

   Dugout: where baseball players relax between innings Doug-out: where Doug feels comfortable telling others about his sexuality

   Spain made over 800 passes in last night's game. The only way England could make that many is if we enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

   Most kids are taught the normal 'Birds and the Bee's'! Not me I was traumatized! My father explained it to me by showing me a male and female outlet. To this day everytime I plug something in I get all worked up And dont let even show me an extension cord

   facebook needs a "settle down" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.