Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

   I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing.

   "Hahaha, nice!" = "I'd like you to stop talking to me now."

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   Hi Google Earth, Please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

   When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first.

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?

   I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.

   the store has close parking spots for "new parents"...if I adopt a 10 yr old, do I get to park there?

   I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work