Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What Marshal isn't stealing from Dane Cook, he is stealing elsewhere.

   hey marshellll the greatttt, we all subscribed to dane cook on fb, looks like your cover is blown

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   Wondering when someones gonna to tell America's Funniest Videos about Youtube...

   OK if you really want me to watch soccer so be it. but for the life of me I don't understand why the counter counts up????

   Women are evil!! Any animal that bleeds for three or four days and doesn't die has got to be demon spawn!!

   As another summer movie blockbuster season begins. Once again, Hollywood denies us a Jake and the Fatman movie.

   I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   Be careful and take this status update with you.

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   a real woman rotates tha batteries in her remote wit tha batteries in her vibrator

   You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.

   At this point, group photos of Aerosmith are indistinguishable from publicity stills for a roadshow of "Cats"

   Preparing a romantic bath for my exboyfriend: candles, flowers, soft music, bath salts, toaster...

   If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...

   If you still talk about it, you still care about it.

   I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday Saturday Sunday