Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only people who piss me off are the ones who convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   A womans shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

   the abbreviation curse will haunt me for ever. Yesterday my friend asked me what I was sucking and I just laughed out loud and said "lipop"

   They are taking the old "I've got your nose" game WAY too seriously down in Miami!

   I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.

   I used to work in a factory crushing cans. I hated it! It was soda pressing.

   "I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"

   That chick has been passed around more than blame.

   Dear McDonalds, if you start serving breakfast all day you will get more of my money. Sincerely, Supply and Demand.

   There is a thin line between love and hate. It starts about halfway through the joint.

   Dating Tip: Don't!

   hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm a dingo, I ate your baby

   Actually he is stealing almost all of it from msib

   And Stonner Duudde is stealing from Marshell, who's stealing from Dane cook! Stop the madness!

   What Marshal isn't stealing from Dane Cook, he is stealing elsewhere.

   hey marshellll the greatttt, we all subscribed to dane cook on fb, looks like your cover is blown

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   Wondering when someones gonna to tell America's Funniest Videos about Youtube...

   OK if you really want me to watch soccer so be it. but for the life of me I don't understand why the counter counts up????