Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good mourning...... I hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day, oh..everyone except Jerry Sandusky!!

   The last time she got 100% on a test it involved peeing on a stick.

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

   Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel.

   If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and sh!t.

   Guys.. never raise your hand to a woman... it leaves your groin exposed

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just 30 seconds?

   They called it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

   I hate Monday's...... and condoms.

   Why do all gang members have arthritis in their fingers?

   I'm not saying your a slut, but you have had more balls in your mouth then the hungry hungry hippos

   Metallica is now changing their name to lica ..cause they no longer play Metal

   It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   She says I am her one and only love, but she has a whole photo album dedicated to Brad Pitt while my single pic on her page is languishing under wall pictures.

   Liking and commenting on the same status, gives me a false sence of notification.

   Sex is like pizza. When's it's good it's good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

   ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle. 

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.