Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   Here's to no unexpected farthers day cards.

   My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women."

   I've recently put three girls in the "friend zone" so they can know how it feels for once.

   Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape.

   Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

   I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing.

   "Hahaha, nice!" = "I'd like you to stop talking to me now."

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   Hi Google Earth, Please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

   When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first.

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?