Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

   I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much

   If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party

   They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

   Apparently, armored truck drivers don't really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would

   I'm one of those people that no one warned you about.

   Breathe if you're horny.

   Why does everyone say "You bet your ass?" Is there really a lot of value in an ass?

   I got caught talking to myself today, so to avoid embarrassment, I pretended to be a tree until they left.

   Heaven is a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

   I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.

   The little chocolate ice-cream part at the end of a vanilla ice-cream cone is what I call a 'happy ending'.

   Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

   If you cant live without me, then why aren't you dead yet?

   Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   I love watching my husband sleep so peacefully. It gives me time to plot all the ways I can take him out should the time come someday.

   I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.