Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're freeing sad, post it on facebook so I can enjoy your misfortune."

   in an ideal world, olivia wilde is googling for pictures of me naked

   Children Ruin Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)

   I bet when cab drivers ask Prince where he wants to go he closes his eyes and whispers "1999."

   Why does Hollywood believe a self destruct button is a completely logical feature on spaceships?

   Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody Loves You.

   nothing worst then sitting in the waiting room before a checkup with a woman sitting next to you aggressively discussing her cancer, and it's makes you uncomfortable.

   So, my question has five parts. -Annoying person at a Q&A

   'm totally excited to hang out, again, too! Who is this? -Text from a slut

   bring back Gay jeffrey!! I always used his stuff that he put up!!!

   I'll let my dog ride with me to the store just to wait in the car for the sole purpose of him not assuming I'm doing something fun every time I leave the house.

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder. 

   Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too

   Sometimes I want to ask certain people, "So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?"

   How come you can wear jeans everyday and nobody cares... but you wear a shirt twice in one week and you're suddenly homeless?

   Slut: *Facebook status* describe me with a commercial slogan <3 Me: So easy a caveman could do it.

   Go ahead and play "hard to get"...I'll be over here playing "don't give a s$it"

   Ahh, Subway. It's the only place on Earth where you can force a woman to make you a sandwich and she can't tell you to f$ck off.

   How are you feeling today? Like a tampon. In a good place... At the wrong time.