Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over.

   A friend told me he's jokes come from a dark place. So I locked him in my basement for a week. It was mostly crying, no jokes. He lied.

   I was just orally serviced in a rather splendid manner by an enthusiastic young lady and I'm feeling quite chipper about it indeed.

   happy father's day to all my daddy's... no homo though

   Rob Schneider looks like the type of guy that tries to jerk off on his own face.

   Cant we all just get along- Rodney King

   A cop texted me to pull over.

   Rodney King was found dead in a swimming pool. Goes to show you kids.....It's hard to snort coke when your underwater.

   Rodney King has been found dead in pool - Early reports say that the LA police are not suspects in his death.

   How much cocaine do I give a baby to make it stop crying? (Don't judge, its not my baby,

   My mom always told me not to do drug or talk to strangers, so I decided to do strangers and talk to drugs.

   This girl wrote on her status; "I Desperately Need A Boyfriend!" So I commented, “No you need some water coz you sound thirsty!” And now I am deleted.

   I need to do something reproductive today. Happy Father's Day

   Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

   single moms do not get to celebrate fathers day, go grab your 50 Shades book and zip it

   It's fend for yourself night and you know what that means...cold cereal for dinner.

   Right all wrongs. Settle everything with love and understanding.

   I'm actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.

   You sent me a picture of your pen!s, so I sent one back and I'm the a$$hole?! I thought you wanted to exchange pictures...

   Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but more difficult to regret.