Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down.

   If you aren't at least enjoying your path to self destruction, well then I just don't know.

   Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par

   According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.

   President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November. Read more on Newsmax.com: The Best of Late Nite Jokes -- Newsmax.com Important: Do You Suppo

   Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self-loathing, and a strong desire for isolation.

   okay so I'm confused..whats came out today? justin beiber or his alblum?

   If I am stuck in traffic for more than 30 minutes due to a wreck, I should be able to view the bodies.

   WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link directly to free clips of Bieber's new album. Your welcome!

   If you hear I committed suicide, start an investigation!

   jokes about suicide aren't funny, cut it out

   Sssshhhh....you had me at McDouble..

   When life knocks you down...Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b!tch"

   screw Social Security and the national debt. Clemens lying to Congress about steroids is waaaay more important!!

   I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

   Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.

   I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?

   My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

   Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.