Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear people talking about their lactose intolerance all the time. I guess I could live with that but if I ever developed tequila intolerance life would no longer be worth living.

   ...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.

   Let's talk about Potassium.........K?

   Sorry to disturb ya'll, but does anybody know where I can apply for a strip club franchise? (asking for a friend).

   dont try to hold a fart coz it will travel up your spine, to your brain and thats where sh!++y ideas come from

   A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge… how the Hell did that get there?

   We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.

   Some of you are so antiquated in your thinking...that whenever I click on your timeline, I find myself in 2012. BC

   I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

   Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.

   A Smart Car would be good on gas, but I'd feel silly wearing it.

   It's been a while,,,,, Has Bono EVER found,,,, What he's looking for?

   I Always carry $40,000 cash on me at all times,, You know,, in case I ever feel like getting a sandwich while I'm in the airport.

   A shooting star makes a wish when it sees me.

   It is better to have loathed and lost, than never to have loathed at all.

   Some have illusions of grandeur. I have hallucinations of happiness.

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.