Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

   Unbelievable. Rodney King has to die before the world found out he owned a pool.

   Fathers Day in a trailer park must be so damn confusing...

   "Shia LeBeouf" sounds like the name of the venereal disease that will eventually rid the world of Kardashians.

   Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?

   Once I was all over you, now I'm just over you.

   Dear coworker listening to your radio at a low volume instead of using headphones: country music sucks just as bad on 2 as it does on 10.

   Let's stop the hate and spread the love. Or STD's, as my doctor says they are 'technically' named.

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   dn sı ʎɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ʍouʞ ʇou op noʎ ןıʇun ʞcuɟ

   If people are judged by the company they keep, then I'm in trouble. I've been hanging around with myself way too much.

   If you watch my marriage in reverse, my wife pulls a knife out of me and gets back together with her ex boyfriend.

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.

   Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   In the year is 2024.. Justin Bieber's cover of Mambo #5 has topped the charts for the past 10 years and has been declared the National Anthem.

   OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can't stop calling the addiction hotline....

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   electrocuting the engineers.