Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh your sweet juices run down my face. I love watermelon!!

   For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.

   Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting.........

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!

   Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

   Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.

   No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…

   The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it

   Thanks lady in line at the fast food counter ordering your sandwich with 10 special requests for reminding how awesome being a dude is…

   I like a bit of badassness in a girl

   Where is the sun today? Maybe I should put my batman suit on?

   Be as smart as Wikipedia, but think like Google

   I just finished reading "50 shades of Grey" by Sherwin Williams. I don't see what all the hype is about these paint broshures.

   I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.

   I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.

   Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.

   I don't know all the answers but I do know you'll probably feel better if you set something on fire.

   If you say married people aren't having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

   If you feel like the world is passing you by, you must be obeying the speed limit.