Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link directly to free clips of Bieber's new album. Your welcome!

   If you hear I committed suicide, start an investigation!

   jokes about suicide aren't funny, cut it out

   Sssshhhh....you had me at McDouble..

   When life knocks you down...Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b!tch"

   screw Social Security and the national debt. Clemens lying to Congress about steroids is waaaay more important!!

   I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

   Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.

   I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?

   My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

   Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.

   So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.

   Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!

   My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five

   I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

   I can smell Plutonium a mile away....Pu.

   The difference between a crooked lawyer and an intrepid chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

   Anyone care to discuss Noblium....No??

   Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.