Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go ahead and play "hard to get"...I'll be over here playing "don't give a s$it"

   Ahh, Subway. It's the only place on Earth where you can force a woman to make you a sandwich and she can't tell you to f$ck off.

   How are you feeling today? Like a tampon. In a good place... At the wrong time.

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.

   Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest thing I'll ever get to being a damn magician.

   You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.

   I always enjoy sharing old memories w/ the @sshole from my old high school... while he is ringing up my groceries.

   Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.

   "Either Pray Or Worry, Don't Do Both"

   Im Always Tree Shoppin Like Its Christmas

   just poured a glass

   You can't threaten me with Work when I came to Work.

   Strangers have the best puppies & candy.

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   I met a girl in a nightclub last night when she whispered in my ear, "I want you to make me feel dirty and degraded." So I took her shopping in my local Wal-Mart Supercenter.

   So I'm confused. What's coming out tomorrow, Justin Bieber or his album?

   Marriage is like a casino...you go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.