Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So two lions walk into a bar,,,,,, they ate EVERYONE,,,,, it was a horrible evening.

   Whether the Heat loose or win tonight, I'm not drinking...... I dont care if you find that funny or not, but the Beer is laughing at me.

   More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of vodka named Responsibly.

   Stop reading this and go have some sex

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....

   I hate when people write thing like "b4" instead of "before." It's English, not Bingo.

   My favorite compliment of late was,,, "you're SO funny,, but seriously, are you ok?"

   Texting 101: (Oh) = stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f**k you. (Fine) = f**k it. (I guess) = I don't give AF.

   LeBron James hairline got a back court violation.

   Some people are never happy. They pray for rain then gripe about the humidiity...

   Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

   Hey I just met you and You're kinda Crazy  So lose my number  Don't call me lady

   The people in my office believe less is more. The less the women wear, the more of their work the guys will do for them.

   Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

   My garter snake don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   Woke up this morning swearing I could smell pancakes, but it seems I was just smellucinating.

   I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.

   If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

   I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.

   Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…