Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.

   Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone. 

   The very first photo uploaded to Facebook was a cartoon cat. The second one was probably a duck-face girl.

   Just when you think your day can't get any worse, someone pokes you on Facebook

   When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned.

   I wish farting was a form of expression.

   At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.

   my new GF may be short but I'm nuts over her!

   Find your little island of "OK" in a vast sea of "Holy crap!"

   Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.

   the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!

   Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down.

   If you aren't at least enjoying your path to self destruction, well then I just don't know.

   Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par

   According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.

   President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November. Read more on Newsmax.com: The Best of Late Nite Jokes -- Newsmax.com Important: Do You Suppo

   Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self-loathing, and a strong desire for isolation.

   okay so I'm confused..whats came out today? justin beiber or his alblum?

   If I am stuck in traffic for more than 30 minutes due to a wreck, I should be able to view the bodies.