Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I can have any girl I don't want.

   If you can tell I'm drunk, you need to catch up.

   ‎54% of Americans prefer to "fold" their toilet paper instead of "wad" it. The same percentage believe organized religion will save your soul.

   We all used Facebook out of curiosity and it ended as an addiction.

   I wish breaking up with someone meant they had to refund all the money you spent on them.

   Bud Light with lime??? What's the primary target demographic for that? Rednecks with scurvy?

   High School Spanish class taught me just enough to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   If I was a homeless person, I would make a Coinstar costume and just sit outside of grocery stores.

   Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.

   If Adele, The Weeknd, Drake, and Frank Ocean made an album together. Everyone would be in their deepest feelings.

   Oh you got “Swag”? Don't forget to put that on your Burger King Application.

   Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.

   Don't grow up. It's a trap!

   Whenever I'm walking and a white van drives pass me, I get a little depressed inside because it makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy.

   If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.

   I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.

   Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine “want” power.

   Want to hear a joke about a pizza?? Nevermind it is too cheesy!

   Found out at lunch today that apparently, it's rude if you honk your order in Morse code to the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's.......