Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   T̶r̶ eat your girl right, or someone else will

   Apples don't fall from my family tree, NUTS DO ..............

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

   If eating a bunch o junk f food when you're supposed to be sleeping isn't a super power, then I don't know what is...

   Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

   Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks

   Sometimes when I play a game on my computer ,the screen goes dark . and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts.

   Fortune cookie from last night. "Bad luck, and misfortune, will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity." What's this. Some kind of sick Chinese joke.

   I would walk into the light, but that's where all the bugs are.

   I'm not what nature intended.

   From now I'm going to on Craigslist to try finding love. Or at least a free mattress with questionable stains to cry myself to sleep on.

   Not to brag, but I can have any girl I don't want.

   If you can tell I'm drunk, you need to catch up.

   ‎54% of Americans prefer to "fold" their toilet paper instead of "wad" it. The same percentage believe organized religion will save your soul.

   We all used Facebook out of curiosity and it ended as an addiction.

   I wish breaking up with someone meant they had to refund all the money you spent on them.

   Bud Light with lime??? What's the primary target demographic for that? Rednecks with scurvy?

   High School Spanish class taught me just enough to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   If I was a homeless person, I would make a Coinstar costume and just sit outside of grocery stores.

   Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.