Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a coupon for a "facial package"...totally got the wrong idea in my head on that one.

   Wow, ESPN hasn't mentioned Tim Tebow once today.

   You had me at: "I have an open bar tab."

   People who are on drugs don't worry me nearly as much as the people who should be.

   Bye bye "San-butt-sky"!!! 422 years won't be so bad...With good bahavior you'll be out in 200 or so...So long dirtbag!!!

   I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earings I wore in high school.

   Sandusky's soap on a rope will be used to cork his pie-hole to stifle his screams. Payback is a biatch.

   Don't be in a relationship if you're going to act single...

   When I see "sent from my iphone" I read it as "i'm on the toilet"

   My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.

   "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." So? You can catch even more with manure. What's your point?

   Hey Jerry Sandusky, I hope Bubba treats you in prison like you treated those kids.

   I'm Canadian and ham is pig and bacon is bacon. Enough said.

   If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime

   HEY,, I've only have 26 letters to work with.... Don't expect miracles.

   The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   A cat jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow that red dot!”

   Men have feelings too. For example, they feel hungry.

   The most romantic way to have sex with a girl is to t!tty f#ck her, because that's when you're closest to her heart.

   the private sector is doing fine.