Funny Status Messages

   Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

   When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

   I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

   Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

   My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

   Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

   If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever take precedence over the Yorkie.😛

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER

   I would imagine I'll react with double the glee when Sleepy Joe dies as you clowns feel about Rush.

   I have never wished for the death of another man, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

   These kids gonna be dumb AF. We never missed these many days of school in our life

   I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.

   Don't celebrate Rush Limbaugh's death. Mourn his life.

   The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off

   My middle school teacher who yelled that “Wikipedia wasn’t a reliable source” every day is sharing vaccine conspiracy theories on Facebook.

   Kit Kat is coming out with a vegan version of their bar and I imagine their theme song will be Break me off a piece of that veggie based bar.

   100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion