Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is nothing better than putting on a warm pair of underwear fresh from the dryer! I even like to scan the laundramat to try and figure out who they belong to!!!

   My Wife tld me her fantasy would be to spend the night with George Clooney! Then she flipped out when I told her mine! Apparently, ''Melanie the lady with the nice body next door!'' wasn't a good answer!!!

   pride comes before it falls....

   While checking my balls in bed this morning I was disturbed by a lump. She woke up.

   ive started drinking raw milk.

   It takes 42 muscles for you to frown! But only four for me to extend my middle finger to you! Fck off!!!

   Now what shoe size does your face take?!!

   heyy Good work! everyone trying to take down big corporations with their statuses on facebook, posted from macbooks, paid for with credit cards.

   So Last night.. The pizza man left my house and asked me for a tip.. I told him "Don't Trust These Hoes"

   Shoutout to all the girls that can't update their status because they told some guy they tired...& going to bed.

   Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.

   I posted my suicide note on Facebook, it already has 124 likes...

   If I hear the song call me maybe one more time i'm gonna go freaking INSANE.

   Someone uploaded a picture of Hitler and said, "LIKE IF YOU WISH HE WAS DEAD!".. uhmm..dont really know what to think...??

   I ain't sayin my gf is a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe..

   Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.

   Help me find the exit! I'm trying to escape from reality!

   I always mean what I say. Sometimes, I didn't mean to say it out loud.

   It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.

   I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.