Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're laughing because I'm laughing, but I'm laughing because I farted.

   When one door closes, another door opens. If not, I'm climbing through the window.

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   Whenever I give blood, I always assume that most of the workers are vampires and Wesley Snipes will be busting in at any moment.

   I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   In 2013, my first status will be “is anyone alive?”

   I'll catch you later: Cool thing to say to a friend, scary thing to say to a child.

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July

   I always cry after sex. God, I hate prison!

   "I need a girl who I can spend the rest of my whole night with...."

   If they park like they fck ..they'll never get in

   :Where do all the balls go after they neuter your animals?

   :Procreation: It started out as just plain old creation, until I started doing it.

   :There's nothing more romantic than seeing young lovers dry hump their way through Wal-Mart...

   / I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

   I just killed a spider with my vibrator! If I can figure out how to open jars with it, men can pretty much go screw themselves.

   /Sometimes I like to let the pastry cream from my eclair slide down my chin and I whisper "mommy likey" to myself. I'm lonely.

   omg 109 degrees . its so hot people dont even tan anymore they just rust.