Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   I like you. You're the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   Huh, turns out that staying up until 4 am and surfing adult sites is not considered insomnia. Thank God!!! I really thought I had a problem…..

   i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?

   parents dont need energy drinks...they already have monsters that keep them awake all day

   The next relationship I get into, I will be buying a bottle of shampoo that some day...for they will both be in a secret competition to see which will last longer...

   Duct tape: Turning NO!, NO!, NO! into mmm, mmm, mmm.

   I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...

   We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.

   I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.

   I saw something that reminded me of you...but don't worry, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands.

   Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   If you take the vowels out of FEMALE you get FML. Coincidence? I think not

   Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

   Walmart calls them "self-checkouts," I call them "I might not pay for some of this."

   I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome. :)

   Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?