Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I meet people, I choose whether I like them solely based on if I think they would be fun to get drunk with.....

   Well I failed my drivers test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Redlights, and I said, "Text and Facebook"

   I thought my Doctor was totally crazy for giving me LSD to treat my constipation, until I saw a Fire-Breathing dragon and sh1t myself!

   Pick a number between 6 and 6 that represents the number of doughnuts I have had today.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   Whale Wars is pure garbage ...have they even saved one whale?

   glad Alex Trebek's life isn't in *puts sunglasses on* jeopardy.. actually I really don't care.

   Dear McDonalds, Just to let you know, the first 60 seconds I obtain my French Fries they are like a box of fried deliciousness. However, after 61 seconds, they suddenly turn into rubber sticks of sh!t. Work on that

   Did Michael Jackson die again??

   Grumble,,grumble,,,,,, I'm just going to answer you in thrusting motions.

   U.S. television game show host Alex Trebek is recovering from a mild heart attack he suffered on Saturday, but not worry his life is not in Jeopardy.

   Lazy rule #52... If it's more than 5 feet away...it becomes unnecessary...

   GUYS: dont you just love it when your girlfriends friends have worse relationships than yours!!!!

   My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days. Lmao.....

   Porn has ruined my life. My toilet is blocked and I'm too scared to call the plumber :(

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.

   People who complain about the way the ball bounces probably dropped it.